How do you handle the opposition after leaving your marriage?

A  survivor who blogs at RealMamaRealLife recently wrote to me:

"I feel like I've been physically knocked down with a 2x4 today, by my own friends telling me their uninvited opinions that I shouldn't have left my marriage, that I didn't try hard enough, or that I am making big deals out of "normal" marital behavior.  The sad thing is that one of these friends is currently living in an abusive marriage and knows it, yet she is hiding her head in the sand about what she needs to do; the other two friends have confessed they dated overtly abusive men before they were married.  Yet, I am the one that gets the finger pointed at me, like it is my fault that the marriage didn't work!  I am so fumed, and I know this is why more women in the church remain quiet and remain abused. I also know I have to work to help them and their children and hopefully their husbands find the Truth."

My first thoughts to this survivor are "welcome to the world of post-separation abuse from bystanders!" Her experience is so common I would say it's universal. Every survivor I know has stories like this. Friends, family members, church folk, church leaders – all can say things insensitive and judgemental things to someone who has (finally) got the courage to stand up, speak out, and walk away from an abusive spouse. 

There are many healthy responses a survivor could make to such uninvited opinions. One effective response is simply "OUCH! That hurts!" This may bring your friend up sharp and cause them to reconsider their knee-jerk opinions. 

Other responses could be:

• Mild indignation: "How do you know that I didn't try hard enough! I tried really hard to make my marriage work while my ex was persistently making the marriage toxic. How can you know what happened and who was at fault, when you didn't see everything that was going on?" 
• Invitation and gentle rebuke: "Would you like to know what really went on in my marriage, before you make such judgements?"
• Explanation: "I know I may not seem like a victim of abuse. For years I didn't define it as abuse because I didn't want to think that badly about my husband. I didn't want to let others know how bad the marriage was because I was ashamed. People wouldn't have suspected I was being abused, because I hid it from myself and from outsiders. So I understand you may have difficulty believing it now.  But please do believe me; I am not making this up."
• Firm request and boundary-setting: "Please don't make judgements or offer advice without knowing all the facts. If you have nothing to offer except reproof, I'd rather not discuss this with you."   
• Vent your pain and frustration selectively – to people who are safe: This usually means venting to people who themselves have come out of the fog of domestic abuse and are on the journey of recovery. Sadly, it's only other survivors who really 'get it' about domestic abuse. Would that it were otherwise, but we need much more community education before that can be achieved!  At online forums you can find safe people who will listen and empathise without being judgemental.  On the links page of my main website I give a few such forums, and I can personally recommend the Our Place forum. Joining a face-to-face support group for survivors can be helpful too. You may find a professionally facilitated support group by contacting the domestic violence support service in your local area.

There are more ideas for how to respond to insensitive comments in my article Unhelpful Comments: Why they happen and how they might be answered .

You might also like to read I Know How the Blind Man Felt  by Cindy Burrell, another Christian survivor. Jesus healed a blind man by putting mud on his eyes and getting him to wash in the pool of Siloam, but the Pharisees disbelieved the blind man and scorned the miracle. Cindy shows the analogy to legalistic Christians who disbelieve victims of abuse and scorn the miracles that have freed victims from bondage to abusers.