Not Under Bondage blog

"I am abused". Those words are so hard to say.

2012-02-26T23:23:00.000+11:00

Every survivor of abuse will identify with those words. Saying "I am abused" means passing through a membrane into a whole new reality. In this new world everything is different, scary, confronting...

"I'm one of those women - a victim of abuse!"

(I admit: I used to subconsciously look down on victims of abuse... until I realised I was one myself. Then I looked down on myself too, for years, until I learned to hold my head high again.)

I'm afraid I'll be ostracised, judged, disbelieved, shunned... [You name it]

Like the surface tension on the skin of water, or the surface tension on a soap bubble, there is a tension at that membrane. Will the victim pass through it and acknowledge "Yes, I am abused." Or will she shy away to avoid going through into that unknown world where everything will (at first) seem upside down, inside out and back to front?

Only when she passed through the membrane and has educated herself more about abuse will she realise that the world that was actually upside down, inside out and back to front, was the world the abuser imposed on her.

Once she's learned to breathe the air in the new world, and smell the flowers and fruit (and maybe even grow some) she realises that this new world is actually the place where things are upright, right side out, and facing forwards.

Dear reader, whether you're approaching that membrane, newly transitioned, or have been across for years, or whether you just know someone on that journey, I'd love you to share what it's been like for you.

And if you've gone through the membrane, what was the thing that precipitated you going through it? What was the thing that overcame the surface tension?

Abusers fish for new victims on “Christian” chat channels

2012-02-26T18:51:00.000+11:00

Afellow blogger has recently posted (see here) about a woman he's been workingwith who professes Christ. She was severely abused by her ex for 37years, and left him about a year ago. In that short time, she hasvery nearly connected with two more full-blown psychopaths. How? Theinternet. Specifically through “Christian” chat channels. Aftersome strong 'wake up calls' from her pastor and other survivors, thiswoman has now ditched the man who could so easily have become hernext abuser.

Onereader commented: “This woman needs prayer… and boundaries. Ithink she would do well to focus on being the bride of Christ anddoing charitable works. I really mean that. What’s wrong withChristians dedicating their lives to Jesus and charitable works?? Dothat enough, one gets healthy.”

Here’smy own little story, which is an example of how doing good works helped me. [Please don't hear this as a recipe for every woman to find ahusband; I don't believe there are any recipes. My case is just mycase; one anecdote.]

Afterabout ten years of singleness following my abusivemarriage, I volunteered to do some ‘charitable works’ for myState’s Hepatitis C Council. They had asked for people who mightlike to be public speakers to present their personal experiences ofliving with Hep C. I went along to the introductory evening …. andmet the man who eventually became my new husband.  We had each gonethere simply to put something back into the community, after havingexperienced benefit and kindness from the Hep C Council (advice,info, support) in our own separate journeys with Hep C. We each volunteered there because we felt we maybe had something to offerdue to our experiences. Neither of us were there looking for a newpartner. By devoting ourselves to doing good works, it just sohappened that we found each other. And we even discovered that wewere both Christians, that very first night!

Thisstory also illustrates how doing good works is not restricted todoing Church Works (dare I say the namby-pamby, prissy, twee stuff that passes for good works in so many churches).  Helping the Hep C community is just ascharitable as helping anyone else who is struggling with a tough setof circumstances. Charity isn't just taking cookies and casseroles to the housebound (though some love and excel at that stuff). Let's shake out some of our 19th century notions about 'charitable works' and realise that charity can be as creative, dynamic and exciting as the rest of Kingdom life can be.

And hey, if you don't know what "twee" means because you've never been to England, here's the definition: excessively or affectedly quaint, pretty, or sentimental.

Survivors are my kind of people

2012-02-24T19:23:00.000+11:00

"I love the victim/survivor women I have had the privilege to meet these past few months. They are my kind of people. They have been kicked around, they have grown strong in Christ in their suffering, and they are fed up with the nonsense of the evangelical church."

Who would have said that? A survivor of abuse? A supporter of survivors? Surely not a pastor?
Yes; it was a pastor, and he concluded with these words:

"Maybe someday I will get to have a church full of victim/survivors. Who knows what the Lord might have planned?"

This pastor is in Oregon, USA; his name is Jeff Crippen and you can find his blog here.
May God raise up many more like him!

[This isn't a paid promotion; I'm writing because I know many survivors long for safe churches to attend.]

Recruiting the church to provide refuge for survivors

2012-02-15T14:56:00.000+11:00

Pastor Neil Schori has a dream (see his blog here) that 2012 will be the year church leaders get educated about domestic abuse and then recruit Christian families to offer their homes as refuges for survivors fleeing abuse.
What do you think about this idea? I think it's good, so long as there is adequate education first. Those involved need to understand the safety issues. And they need to know how to support survivors without judging, patronising or coercing them. That would entail a lot of education and be a massive learning curve for most people in the church.

A survivor who saw the light

2012-02-12T22:42:00.001+11:00

Domestic abuse is a cancer inside the church. It hides in secret, robbing the body of all its nourishment, leaving the body pitifully emaciated, a shadow of what it should be. The cancer grows, proliferates, forms tough ugly tumours, and it metastasises, crushing and squeezing the good organs which produces excruciating pain and catastrophic haemorrhages. It perpetually saps the church's witness.

The story below is by Ida Mae. She has given me permission to publish it here.

My father was a pastor, my husband was a deacon. Because me and the kids weren't being beaten, my father looked the other way.

In counselling, the therapist helped me see that the abuse *was* physical-- my husband backhanded me one time, early in the marriage, apologized profusely, then warned me (and later the kids) for the next three decades that if I crossed him, he wouldn't be responsible for what happened. That once he started, he would not stop. He used his bulk (6'2", 230 lbs) to pin us down, choke us while 'wrestling'. He would hold me against the counter while he groped me, shove me across the room... He used fear, physical bullying and the threat of violence to keep us all in line.

But in my father's world, my husband repented. No abuse took place and none of the emotional, verbal or other abuse counted. A man had a right to control his own household and if he wasn't all that nice about it, well, that was between him and God. Unfortunately, that's the attitude I ran into everywhere we went.

Took a long, long time to understand that my loving Heavenly Father saw things much differently :)

Bystander enlistment by the abuser has got to be one of the most hurtful aspects of this whole situation. My husband was able to enlist some of the people I thought were my friends. These were people he had never spoken to much, including my old mentor and prayer partner. Very painful. I can't be too hard on them though. I lived with the man three decades and it took almost twenty years to see him for who he really is. He's got the ability to charm just about anyone as long as it suits his purpose.

In a healthy church, Matthew 18:15-17 would set so many free. Of course if we had healthy churches, many of cases of domestic abuse would never go for to ten, twenty, thirty years.

Ida Mae blogs at ThoroughlyChristianDivorce

Sex in an Abusive Marriage

2012-02-12T22:08:00.000+11:00

My friend Ida Mae has posted some riveting stuff on sex in an abusive marriage.
It's a trumpet voluntary ringing across the rooftops and out over the valleys.

Let the truth be told! Let us be brave and fearless and face all those demons. When they are brought to the light, they have far less power.

Here are Ida's two posts
Part One of Sex in an Abusive Marriage
Part Two of Sex in an Abusive Marriage

And here is my comment on Ida's Part One.
(I wrote the comment on Morven's blog, where Morven re-posted the post from Ida Mae, but my comment may ping back to Ida Mae's blog as well, in time.)

Keep trumpetting Ida Mae! The troops are assembling for battle; righteousness will resound across the land.

Hearing from God & Christian-ese

2012-02-12T19:19:00.000+11:00

"My friend must sometimes wonder why I don't talk as much Christianese talk as her, like God saying this or that to me," a woman recently told me.

Personally, I don't talk Christianese much either. I rarely hear God saying this or that to me. Some people do. I don't much. We are all a little different. That doesn't make us better or worse than others.

I do know a few people who often seem to hear truly from God. Every time they tell me something they heard from God, it rings true – and it's confirmed by how things work out in the long run.

But I frequently feel dubious with other people who say "God told me ..... "

Sometimes my antenna says it's just B/S.

And sometimes I think they're just re-spouting the stuff they've heard from a pulpit, to make themselves look like big shots.

Or spouting what the devil has been whispering in their ear and they can't tell Satan's whispers from God's.

And sometimes I think it's just their own emotions they are listening to, and they've dressed it up with tinsel and fairy dust by ascribing it to the Holy Spirit.

Maybe I don't hear God's direct voice much because my mind is so busy churning and crunching all the thoughts I have about writing, emailing others, blogging, encouraging fellow workers, etc, etc. LOL :-)

Stormie Omartian doesn't get it about domestic abuse

2012-02-11T23:32:00.001+11:00

Oodles of books have been written advising Christian women how to have great marriages. Trouble is, most of them are clueless about the dynamics of domestic abuse so they give atrocious advice which could be toxic or life threatening to a victim of abuse.

One such author is Stormie Omartian, whose book The Power of a Praying Wife is just another run of the mill "Let's all keep our rose coloured glasses on girls, and deny that elephant in the room" type books. It's all the more tragic that Stormie is blind to domestic abuse because (according to her auto-biography) she herself was severely abused in childhood. But childhood abuse in itself doesn't necessarily mean one will see domestic abuse when it's staring one in the face in adulthood.

A good critique of The Power of a Praying Wife can be found here. It's written by Natalie Collins, a survivor of domestic abuse in the UK who is now active in Restored ( a Christian umbrella group working to prevent violence against women around the world). I know Natalie from cyber conversations and skype talks, and I think her critique is great. Thanks Nat!

Another case of ally enlistment by a perpetrator?

2012-01-19T22:33:00.000+11:00

Recently a prominent Australian Christian leader circulated an email prayerrequest (it was forwarded several times before it got to me) sayingthat a Christian woman had gone missing. He asked for prayer for hersafety. He said that the missing woman and her husband were both refugees who had converted from Islam to Christianity, and it wasfeared the woman had been abducted by extremist Muslims because shewas so active in evangelism to the Muslim refugee community.

A day or so later, a newspaper report stated that police wereinvestigating the woman's disappearance but had ruled out abduction by Muslim extremists.

Then the paper published a second report: “Husband charged as bodyfound under backyard slab.” The body was believedto be that of the husband's wife whom he had been reported as missingseveral days earlier. The body was found under a concreteslab in their back yard which had been covered with a shallow layerof dirt and a newly built deck. The husband “almost broke down whenasked by the bail justice if he knew what he had been charged with.'I love my wife... she's dead,' he said."
The police said the husband had made full admissions to the murder.

Is this another case of a perpetrator enlisting allies in the church, particularly church leaders? Trying to garner sympathy and divert suspicion from himself, while hoping he has got away with his crime?
How often do we read about a man who has murdered his wife saying "I loved her!"

Love does not kill; hate kills. Love cherishes.

The survivor's desire to help other survivors.

2012-01-13T11:46:00.000+11:00

Many survivors want to help other victims of domestic abuse and help prevent abuse in the future. Here is a extract from an email I received recently.

I am ordering your book as I have read through your website over the last 2 years or so. I was in an abusive marriage for 15 years, and I have two children under 9. I have been separated for over a year and am soon to finalize my divorce.

I need to strenghten myself and my family. I hope to support other women in my church and community, as this is a subject NOT discusssed, and there is little Christian help out there. I was blessed to talk to a woman at our church that had been in an abusive marriage too, and she and her daughter have blessed me beyond measure (only God can do that kind of thing!). I know I am not the only one to be in this situation, and would like to help support other women in similar circumstances.

My response: Thanks dear sister. Glad you have got free (relatively speaking!)

It really touched me to think you had been reading my site for two years! So often I put stuff up there and am not sure that many people are benefitting from it. My google stats don't show heaps of traffic. But even if I help one or two people, I'm glad.

Your desire to support other victim-survivors is one that many women express to me. I think it's wonderful. It speaks of how compassionate people are when they have suffered a lot, and how much they want to turn their negative experience into a positive outcome. It's ironical: many people in the world and the church think survivors of domestic abuse are on self-pity parties, but it's quite the opposite. Many of us are passionate about helping fellow victim-survivors. We will make a difference!

The internet is the big new factor. Never before in history have there been so many opportunities for survivors of abuse to network for support, recovery and prevention of abuse. The abusers will become less and less powerful as we network, and as we seek to educate the general public and the church.

It's a long road, but no social change happens overnight.

When the kids blame the victim too.

2012-01-11T11:55:00.000+11:00

When the victim-survivor's children blame the victim for breaking up the family, it's doubly painful. And really tricky to navigate because the survivor has to try to speak the truth without unduly denigrating the abuser, and remain a good parent who loves, nurtures, educates and appropriately disciplines the kids (all things that the abuser won't be doing when the kids are with him, because his love is manipulative and selfish, his education is full of lies and half-truths, his nurture is absent, and his discipline will be heavy-handed or non-existent.)

Here is vignette, reproduced with permission from a survivor's email:

I was in an abusive marriage for 15 years, and I have two children under 9. I have been separated for over a year and am soon to finalize my divorce. The children see their father, and he & I are on "friendly" terms, but he still tries to manipulate me and my daughter to take him back. I am not convinced he has had a heart change, despite his seeing a counselor. It is really hard for my daughter, he has her convinced he has changed and she now blames me for the divorce.

My response: My ex had our daughter wrapped round his little finger for years after separation. She blamed me for the separation and divorce, and was very loyal to him. She used to accuse me of heaps of things with venomous unfairness, especially after an access visit with him. When she came back after visitation it was like hearing his abuse but it was coming out of her mouth rather than his.

The peak age for this one-sided loyalty to occur is (so far as I can remember from my reading) about 8 to 11, when, because of their developmental stage, kids tend to see moral issues in black and white. As they grow into adolescence they begin to see shades of grey in moral issues and to form their own opinions, so they are less malleable to the manipulations of one person (the abuser). Unfortunately for you, you are just at the start of this developmental stage with your daughter. Hang in there! And don't blame yourself!

And tell her the concise truth, like: "I left dad because I didn't feel safe with him." That is true, it's talking about your opinion and your feelings, without denigrating him. She may not fully believe you, but she will partially hear you.

Keep asserting to your daughter your right to have your own views and feelings, and to make your own judgement calls which are different from dad's. Assert it gently and firmly, like a stuck record. She will still be manipulated by him, but at the same time she will be quietly (subliminally) aware of your solidity in maintaining your own identity and prioritising safety and life-affirming decisions for each member of the family. You are modelling healthy living to her, which she will realise in time, even if she doesn't realise it yet.

Why pastors don't ensure safety and justice for victims.

2012-01-09T20:56:00.000+11:00

A victim recently wrote to me:
My pastor, isn't keen on reading learning materials I've given him about domestic abuse, because of the commitment.
When I described the fact that my previous church only gave lip service to the safety and justice needs of victims, he said, "I can't buy that because any pastor worth his salt would ensure that safety and justice was obtained for his members."
He thought that maybe the pastors from my previous church [which her ex still attends] found it hard to support me because both men and women abuse the term "domestic violence" and a person's reputation gets permanently scarred if they are excluded or have consequences put on them. I tried to explain that in my case, the evidence was there about my ex being an abuser, since he is on a Good Behaviour Bond. I wonder if the pastor thought I was lying! But in every other way, he is a very highly spoken of, engaging, warm, friendly pastor.
Many pastors have this kind of attitude. I wanted to post this survivor's account because it encapsulates the fence-sitting of such lukewarm pastors. They just don't want to learn about domestic abuse because they think they are handling it well already. They don't believe they are fence-sitting. They think they are ensuring safety and justice for the victims! So victims are left isolated, unsupported, unsafe and without justice.
The self-assessment of many pastors is seriously faulty when it comes to domestic abuse. But praise God, there are a small number of pastors who really "get it". I've been hearing from a few, and will blog about their work soon.

Great new blog by another survivor

2012-01-09T07:01:00.001+11:00

A fabulous new blog called Thoroughly Christian Divorce from a survivor who writes superbly. Punchy, vivid, and personal ... but dis-idendtified, as she is still afraid). In her latest post There's Always A Message, Ida Mae describes how every time her ex sends her a message, whether directly or indirectly, it always has a sting in its tail.

2012-01-04T22:34:00.000+11:00

Another blogger, Angela Ruth Strong, has done an interview with me.
She asked some excellent questions:

1. As a Christian, I'm fascinated with your book Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery, and Desertion. What are some common misconceptions Christians have on the subject?

2. Please define the difference between treacherous divorce and disciplinary divorce.

3. How has your teaching on this subject been accepted by the church as a whole?

4. What unhealthy practices might the church support if they do not fully understand the concepts of Biblical divorce?

5. What kind of research did you do that helped you better understand God's view of divorce?

6. Do you mind sharing your personal story that led to this research?

7. What advice do you have for women who are abused, cheated on, and/or abandoned to take back their power?

8. Is there anything else you would like to add that could encourage newly divorced Christian women?

Visit her blog to read my answers!

Am I the Abusive One?

2012-01-04T21:40:00.000+11:00

Healing and Hope: Am I the Abusive One?

The above is a link to a post by Lundy Bancroft, whom I regard as the best author on Domestic Abuse in the entire world.
After explaining how to know whether you are the abuser or the victim, Lundy ends by suggesting this lovely motto:
"The abuser is not going to sell me his view of what kind of person I am.”

How men can work against domestic abuse

2011-12-27T20:48:00.000+11:00

GloucesterMen Against Domestic Abuse

Asyou enter and leave Gloucester, Massachusetts, you may notice thestreet signs identifying Gloucester as a domestic violence free zone.You will also find these signs located at the police station, thehigh school, at city hall and at all major intersections in town. InGloucester, as in many communities across the country, there is acoalition working together to address domestic violence and one ofthe members of the coalition in Gloucester is Men Against DomesticAbuse (GMADA).

Thisorganization started with men in the community realizing that inorder to end domestic violence, men must take a stand, publiclystate their belief that “Strong Men Don’t Bully” and take apro-active approach.

GMADAbegan with a campaign intentionally contacting men in the communityworking in all different occupations asking them if they would signtheir name to a document stating their opposition to domestic abuse.In 2002, GMADA sponsored a billboard installed across from a popularbar stating “Strong Men Don’t Bully” with the background of thenames of over 500 Gloucester men supporting GMADA.

The model for their program is based on14 underlying principles.

The silence has to end. They believe that if the male culture silently tolerates abuse it will never end.
Location, location, location. If men speak out locally it will be more effective than working on a regional or national level.
What is in a name? Giving the organization a local name allows the group to have an ongoing presence in the community.
The men are there. Their experience has shown that many men are just waiting for a vehicle to express themselves about domestic abuse.
No names without contact information. As they gathered names of men around the community, they found that obtaining addresses, phone numbers and/or emails allowed them future contact.
Speaking out as “We.” GMADA states that speaking out as “We” will be more effective than speaking in an accusatory tone to abusers because it honors the fact that we all have work to do.
Domestic Abuse-not just Domestic Violence. When they include name-calling, insults, mockery, manipulative silence, etc., men are able to see that they are often part of the problem.
Each community in its own way. GMADA has participated in parades, community festivals, signature ads in the newspaper, posters, rallies, bumper stickers and billboard messages in Gloucester. They realize that each community may have its own unique vehicle for responding and they offer their story as a model.
No One-Time Messages. Action addressing domestic abuse must be sustained to be effective. They are continually exploring new ideas.
Diversity. GMADA believes that speaking out in a community must reflect its particular ethnic, racial and economic diversity.
Conversation. Experience has shown GMADA that conversation with men is more effective than mailings.
Many men prefer action to discussion. Men are more apt to talk during an activity rather than attending meetings to talk about issues of masculinity and domestic violence.
Keep it simple! GMADA states what is needed most from men is not complicated and can be simple, “Can you join with the rest of us in saying, ‘Men cannot be strong by abusing women and children?’”
Celebration. The work is serious but GMADA says that they can convey a strong, clear message against abuse and at the same time celebrate coming together to express their capacity to be caring and loving.

The above article was written by Rev. Bonnie M. Orth, Amsterdam, NY Co-Moderator of Presbyterians Against Domestic Violence, and has been extract from Men Stopping Violence Materials, a pdf produced by the Presbyterians Against Domestic Violence Network (PADVN), Presbyterian Church USA. Used with permission.

Read more about Gloucester Men Against Domestic Abuse's approach to building a strong local voice against domestic abuse and sexual assault.
Unfortunately they do not seem to be answering emails.

Natalie and Baggy Collins - preventing domestic abuse

2011-12-01T15:19:00.000+11:00

Here is a link to a radio interview with Natalie and Baggy Collins.

Natalie and Baggy are a Christian couple who both work for Restored Relationships (an international umbrella group for Christians who are focusing on violence against women).
Natalie suffered domestic abuse in her previous marriage and she tells a bit of her story.
They talk about First Man Standing, a program encouraging men to stand up and not be silent when it comes to the abuse of women.

Resistance to violence- a symptom of chronic mental wellness

2011-11-10T19:08:00.000+11:00

For those who blame themselves for 'having put up with the abuse', I recommend the article Resistance to violence: a key symptom of chronic mental wellness, by Martine Renoux and Allan Wade.

It shows how victims of abuse are to be honoured for the multiple acts of resistance they make to the acts of the abuser. Seeing things this way helps victim-survivors feel dignity and regain their confidence.

Click on the link above and it will open in a new window.
You can find out more about Allan Wade and his colleagues at their website Response Based Practice.

Does 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 mean a victim of abuse can't remarry?

2011-09-13T20:10:00.000+10:00

In a nutshell, this is what I teach about victims of domestic abuse being allowed to remarry.

1. In chapter seven of the First Letter to the Corinthians, verses 10-11 are clearly speaking about two believers who have been married to each other.

2. In contrast, verses 12-15 (and 16) are speaking about a believer married to someone who at this point in time is an unbeliever.

3. It's a well worn assumption that verses 12-15 talk about a couple who married when they were both unbelievers, but then one spouse (typically the wife) got converted. However, there's nothing in the text to indicate its being limited to that specific scenario. The well-worn assumption has been passed down for centuries, unthinkingly.

4. Verses 10-11 discuss a believing wife who "separates" from her husband. In that culture and in the original Greek language, separation with intent to end the marriage was identical with divorce. Divorce usually took place simply by one partner separating with intent to end the marriage.

5. Verses 10-11 say that a Christian wife who divorces her Christian husband has two options:

a) remain unmarried (notice she is unmarried, so she must have gotten divorced!) or

b) be reconciled with her former husband.

The only prohibition is she must not marry a new, different husband. If she is to marry again, she can only take the husband she had before.

6. Verses 12-15 deal with believer married to unbeliever.

7. If an unbelieving spouse leaves, separates, or behaves so badly that it pushes the believer away (this is called constructive desertion because the separation is construed as having been caused by the wicked spouse) then the believer is NOT UNDER BONDAGE IN SUCH CASES.

8. Not being under bondage must mean that this kind of believer (one who'd been married to an unbeliever) is not under the prohibition that the other believer was under in verse 11. That is, the believer in verse 15 is not prohibited from marrying a new, different spouse.

9. In summary, Paul contrasts the two cases. In the first case, the believer is under a prohibition not to marry a new spouse, in the second case, the believer is not under that same prohibition, so is free to marry someone new. (Provided they marry 'in the Lord' ... verse 39.)

10. Paul makes perfectly clear that he is contrasting these two cases (vv. 10-11, & vv. 12-15) by using the words "for the rest" at the beginning of verse 12. This is a flag phrase which signals that he is giving a new rule. Obiously he is contrasting this rule with the one he gave in verse 11.

11. For many victims of abuse, the key question is: "Is my abusive spouse a believer, or an unbeliever?" The Bible tells us how to answer that exact question -– in Matthew 18:15-17 (a much under-recognised text).

12. Implementing Matthew 18 is where many churches currently fail, because they get manipulated by the abuser, fail to identify that abuse is happening, or lack understanding or backbone to firmly discipline the abuser.

13. But if the Matthew 18 process is followed correctly to its conclusion and the abuser fails to truly repent, then the abuser should be treated as an unbeliever (regardless of what he might profess to the contrary to his allies). Then you are in a situation where verse 12-15 of 1 Corinthians 7 applies, rather than verses 10-11.

14. I know my argument is not as simple as A+B+C, but I'm convinced this is what Paul means. The reason my argument needs such complex explanation is because Christians have deeply misunderstood and misconstrued these passages for centuries. There's a lot of dead wood to clear away.

15. My conclusions about 1 Corinthians 7:10-15 were argued by some eminent Puritan theologians, so I'm not on new ground. I believe their interpretation got lost in the church and state conflicts of later centuries, and of course, it was easy to ignore the pro-victim interpretation because, after all, the only people who benefited much from it were victims of spouse abuse, and that means they were mostly women. (It's no exaggeration to say that domestic abuse is the Cinderella of all causes in the Church.)

16. If you find it hard to get your church to implement Matthew 18, then I suggest you email me.

17. If you (the victim-survivor) are trying to defend your actions to members of your congregation, you could tell them a) "Please read Not Under Bondage before you start to argue with me," and b) "My spouse's conduct eventually pushed me away, and that is the same as if he deserted me, so verse 15 of 1 Corinthians 7 applies in my case."

18. Even in the case of the woman in verses 10-11, in the passage let the wife not separate from her husband, but if she does separate, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled with her husband, the word 'separate' in both cases is a word that meant divorce just as much as it could mean separation, in 1st century Greek usage. In fact, it was often used in legal documents to mean 'divorce'. This is not brought out in our English translations, but it's true. So the argument "You may separate, but you can't divorce" is a load of hogwash, arising from ignorant translation (and a bias against women on the part of the translators?).

What I've outlined here is fully explained in my book Not Under Bondage.

It's a good idea to brace yourself for the reaction from your church.

Sometimes, you only get a chance to say a few words to fellow Christians who judge or raise their eyebrows at you. "My husband had been abusing me for the last 8 years. I hadn't told you before because I was afraid and ashamed."

Bystander opposition and disbelief - a story from the Bible

2011-09-12T18:13:00.002+10:00

I recommend the e-zine article I Know How the Blind Man Felt by Cindy Burrell, a Christian victim-survivor of domestic abuse.

Jesus healed a blind man by putting mud on his eyes and getting him to wash in the pool of Siloam but the Pharisees disbelieved the blind man and scorned the miracle. Cindy examines this Bible story, showing the analogy to legalistic Christians who disbelieve victims of abuse and scorn the miracles that have freed victims from bondage to abusers.

Legalism and religious spirits

2011-09-11T21:49:00.003+10:00

When legalism is combined with domestic abuse, the damage multiplies exponentially; yet God can rescue people from such intensely toxic and terrifying conditions.

In Living by the Law, Jacqueline Hadley explains how legalistic religious teaching set her up to be repeatedly victimised by a perpetrator of domestic abuse, and how God has brought her out into the clear light of day. Her story includes a 'friendship' she had post-separation with two fellow Christians who presumptuously counselled and reproved her for divorcing her abusive, drug-addicted husband. Its a classic vignette of how bystanders can so often behave.

How do you handle the opposition after leaving your marriage?

2011-09-02T13:06:00.006+10:00

A survivor who blogs at RealMamaRealLife recently wrote to me:

"I feel like I've been physically knocked down with a 2x4 today, by my own friends telling me their uninvited opinions that I shouldn't have left my marriage, that I didn't try hard enough, or that I am making big deals out of "normal" marital behavior. The sad thing is that one of these friends is currently living in an abusive marriage and knows it, yet she is hiding her head in the sand about what she needs to do; the other two friends have confessed they dated overtly abusive men before they were married. Yet, I am the one that gets the finger pointed at me, like it is my fault that the marriage didn't work! I am so fumed, and I know this is why more women in the church remain quiet and remain abused. I also know I have to work to help them and their children and hopefully their husbands find the Truth."

My first thoughts to this survivor are "welcome to the world of post-separation abuse from bystanders!" Her experience is so common I would say it's universal. Every survivor I know has stories like this. Friends, family members, church folk, church leaders – all can say things insensitive and judgemental things to someone who has (finally) got the courage to stand up, speak out, and walk away from an abusive spouse.

There are many healthy responses a survivor could make to such uninvited opinions. One effective response is simply "OUCH! That hurts!" This may bring your friend up sharp and cause them to reconsider their knee-jerk opinions.

Other responses could be:
Mild indignation: "How do you know that I didn't try hard enough! I tried really hard to make my marriage work while my ex was persistently making the marriage toxic. How can you know what happened and who was at fault, when you didn't see everything that was going on?"
Invitation and gentle rebuke: "Would you like to know what really went on in my marriage, before you make such judgements?"
Explanation: "I know I may not seem like a victim of abuse. For years I didn't define it as abuse because I didn't want to think that badly about my husband. I didn't want to let others know how bad the marriage was because I was ashamed. People wouldn't have suspected I was being abused, because I hid it from myself and from outsiders. So I understand you may have difficulty believing it now. But please do believe me; I am not making this up."
Firm request and boundary-setting: "Please don't make judgements or offer advice without knowing all the facts. If you have nothing to offer except reproof, I'd rather not discuss this with you."
Vent your pain and frustration selectively – to people who are safe: This usually means venting to people who themselves have come out of the fog of domestic abuse and are on the journey of recovery. Sadly, it's only other survivors who really 'get it' about domestic abuse. Would that it were otherwise, but we need much more community education before that can be achieved! At online forums you can find safe people who will listen and empathise without being judgemental. On the links page of my main website I give a few such forums, and I can personally recommend the Our Place forum. Joining a face-to-face support group for survivors can be helpful too. You may find a professionally facilitated support group by contacting the domestic violence support service in your local area.
There are more ideas for how to respond to insensitive comments in my article Unhelpful Comments: Why they happen and how they might be answered .

You might also like to read I Know How the Blind Man Felt by Cindy Burrell, another Christian survivor. Jesus healed a blind man by putting mud on his eyes and getting him to wash in the pool of Siloam, but the Pharisees disbelieved the blind man and scorned the miracle. Cindy shows the analogy to legalistic Christians who disbelieve victims of abuse and scorn the miracles that have freed victims from bondage to abusers.

Child custody battles

2011-07-02T21:55:00.001+10:00

When an abuser attempts to get custody of the children, it can lead to the most heartbreaking situations. I'm not an expert in this area, but I've compiled a list of helpful links for those facing this nightmare. I especially recommend the first three links below, but the others are also good.

Battered Mothers Custody Conference 2008 Interviews
Domestic Violence in Popular Culture, presentation by Lundy Bancroft, Part One
Note: in Part One of this presentation which Lundy gave to Employers Against Domestic Violence, other people speak briefly before Lundy takes the floor.
Part Three of the series shows Lundy speaking about abusers, courts and child custody.

Battered Mothers Custody Conference Home Page
Shannon Lemm, a lawyer who represents women in custody and divorce
Faces of Battered Mothers Custody Conference 2009
Interview with Dr Mo Hannah's (Chairwoman of BMCC)
Seventh Battered Mothers Custody Conference

Breaking the Silence - children's stories
Domestic Violence Legal Empowerment Custody and Abuse Project

Protective Mothers Alliance – a group for victims of domestic abuse who have lost custody of their children due to the abuser's manipulation of the family court process.
Protective mothers alliance video
Janice Levison, co-founder of the Protective Mother's Alliance
Child Custody Justice by Lundy Bancroft

Part 1/2, Domestic violence perpetratred through child custody battles
Part 2/2 of the above
Towards the end of Part 1, this video shows an unconscionable lawyer describing how he advises his male (abuser) clients to help them win custody.
Part 2 discusses the "parental alienation syndrome" –

where it originated
why it is spurious when used by domestic abusers
how it has been debunked by psychologists and psychiatrists but is still widely accepted by judges.

The Sticking Point in Biblical Discipline

2011-06-14T23:23:00.011+10:00

In domestic abuse, the sticking point in biblical discipline is often Matthew18:17b – if he [the abuser] refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as an unbeliever.

What if the abuser partially accepts the church's decision? That is, he takes counsel from Christians when he wants to, but only acts on advice that suits him, and expects that the church will not apply discipline because he shows that he wants to listen to advice. The typical abuser's attitude is that he should be given an endless number of chances. Far too often, this is the stance of the church as well: they think that as long as the abuser shows some kind of repentance, no matter how small, he should be given another chance. And the abuser knows it, so he outwardly makes enough change to meet the church's minimalist criteria.

He may have been rude to the pastor after the police arrested him for assaulting his wife, but he later realises that it is very helpful to apologise to the pastor, so he does. The pastor had been one step from giving up on him, but now decides to hold out hope. Soon the abuser transgresses in some way again, receives a warning, realises he is close to being disciplined, so does what the pastor requires of him (e.g. seeks counsel, which he had always refused to do). Clever abusers can spin this out indefinitely. It's similar to the cycle of abuse which the victim has suffered (honeymoon, tension-building, explosion, buy-back), but now it's the church being duped and the victim being doubly abandoned.

A list of criteria for repentance such as my Checklist for Repentance, may be helpful for the victim and for church leaders. But applying a checklist can be problematic. If you were to give an abuser a checklist for repentance, he could twist it to convince others with the jargon: "I am now taking responsibility and not blaming others", "I will owe my family for decades", "I will be accountable to pastors for ongoing counseling", "I have tried to make amends", "I am now non-manipulative in my communication", etc. Without walking the walk, he will talk the talk – and so become a better manipulator. Then his counseling pastors, if asked if has changed, will probably refer it back to the victim, claiming, "Well, your husband reckons he has changed, but you are not convinced and you are the one to be convinced, so it's just between the two of you. We can't do anything about it."

“So long as the abuser shows some kind of repentance, he is given another chance.” The trouble with that view is that it's not biblical. Look at Moses: the world's most humble man was not given a second chance to enter the Promised Land. The bottom line is that many in the evangelical church look for repentance (as they should) but fail to distinguish repentance from two-faced game playing. The church is usually way too soft on abusers. Abusers play the church for fools. The church goes to water when it should implacably stand on scripture:

revilers ( verbal abusers) will not inherit the kingdom of God (1 Cor. 6:9)

you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer [verbal abuser], a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked person from among you.” (1 Cor. 5:11-13).

there will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without natural affection, [i.e., without love for family members], unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people. (2 Tim. 3:1-5).

But that's too harsh for the average Christian!
I thank the anonymous survivor who put her suffering into words and so inspired this article.

The Bible DOES allow divorce for domestic abuse

2011-06-14T21:12:00.001+10:00

One of the problems when dealing with domestic abuse in a Christian context is, “What does the Bible says about divorce for domestic abuse?” I believe the Bible allows divorce for domestic abuse, and the key text for this is 1 Corinthians 7:15 – But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. For God has called us to peace.

This verse has been generally assumed to relate to desertion: when an unbelieving spouse walks out, abandoning a marriage with a Christian spouse, but not legally divorcing them. However, in the Greek text the word “depart” (chorizo) means “to place space between, to separate” and it was one of the standard terms for legal divorce in the first century. Typically, perpetrators of abuse do not walk out of their marriages – they want to stay in the relationship because they enjoy the power, privilege and control they obtain therein. So the victim of abuse thinks this verse does not apply to her. However, when correctly understood, it is the verse which gives her freedom. (And yes, men can be victims too; my new husband suffered abuse in a former marriage.)

In my book Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery and Desertion I define domestic abuse as a pattern of conduct by one spouse which is designed to obtain and maintain power and control over the other spouse. It always includes emotional and verbal abuse and may also include financial abuse, social abuse (restricting the victim’s contact with family and friends), sexual abuse, physical violence, and spiritual abuse such as twisting scriptures to justify the abuse. Abusers who never use physical violence (and there are many) are still very frightening and controlling to their victims. Post-separation, many of these abuses may continue, with the added element of legal abuse leading to protective mothers sometimes losing custody of their children to the abuser.

The perpetration of domestic abuse effectively pushes away the other spouse and divides the marriage. The fact that many victims eventually leave abusive relationships testifies to this pushing away. Perpetrators usually protest that they want the marriage to continue, but their evil conduct conveys the exact opposite – it effectually pushes the opposite spouse away.

When applying 1 Corinthians 7:15, the key question is not “Who walked out?” but “Who caused the separation?” Would it be sensible to say that David was the sinful rebellious one when he left Saul’s court? No, he left because of Saul's abuse. David left, but Saul was the cause of his leaving. If we translate the word chorizo as “separate” we see this more clearly: if the unbeliever separates, let him separate. The unbeliever is doing the separating; the believer is commanded to let it be done. This tells the believing spouse (and the church) to allow the marriage to be over, because the unbeliever has destroyed the covenant. It permits the victim of abuse to take out a legal divorce. Let there be chorizo = let there be separation = let there be legal divorce, because the word chorizo means both separation and divorce.

In Not Under Bondage I also show that since the brother or sister is not under bondage, the victim of abuse is free to remarry a new partner (unlike the instance in 1 Cor. 7:10-11 where marriage to a new partner was forbidden).

This idea isn't new
Before no-fault divorce came into vogue, there was a ground for divorce under English law called “constructive desertion.” Constructive desertion was deemed to have occurred if one spouse so ill-treated the other that the victim was justified in leaving the abusing spouse, having been driven to do so. The act of desertion was understood as having been caused by the abuser. The concept of constructive desertion was recognized by Puritan theologians who saw it in 1 Corinthians 7:15. My interpretation of that verse is not new, it's just been lost (buried under male-privilege?) for several hundred years.

What if the abuser is a professing Christian? 1 Corinthians 7:15 only applies to marriages where the opposite spouse is a nonbeliever. If an abuser is a professing Christian, efforts should be made to bring them to repentance (Matt. 18:15-17). An abuser who doesn't demonstrate genuine repentance should be treated as an unbeliever. The believing spouse who has suffered domestic abuse will then be at liberty to take out a divorce under 1 Corinthians 7:15.

When it comes to domestic abuse, biblical discipline has been appallingly neglected or inappropriately employed by church leaders. But there is a line in the sand and churches must draw it when it comes to the perpetrator of domestic abuse. It's not okay for pastors to take a neutral stance vis a vis perpetrator and victim. Neutrality is not neutral. Neutrality effectively means you become an ally of the abuser, because if you take the view that both parties are contributing to the marriage problem, then you're effectively saying 'It's not abuse” which serves the agenda of the abuser. When responding to domestic abuse, the proper feeling is outrage, and the only righteous stance is to fully support the victim, while making the perpetrator accountable.

Because abusers are great at feigning repentance and enlisting allies among clergy, an abuser's supposed repentance should be cautiously evaluated and stress-tested over time, just as Joseph tested his brothers’ repentance before reconciling with them. Repentance is not mere words, it should be demonstrated in changed attitudes and behavior. I have a Checklist for Repentance on my website which can help here.

Church leaders should always check with the victim to know how she sees her abuser's demonstrations of reformation, whether she thinks he is really reforming or just feigning it. This principle has been followed for years by best-practice secular programs which run behavior change groups for abusers. Clergy who are assessing an abuser's repentance need to follow the same protocol: they should consult with the victim at all stages.

Liberty, but not license
The principles outlined here don't open the floodgates to all divorce. Allowing divorce for abuse, on the principle of constructive desertion under 1 Corinthians 7:15 is not the same as allowing divorce for any disaffection. Because abuse is defined as a pattern of conduct designed to obtain and maintain power and control over the other, my teaching cannot be misconstrued to allow divorce for the catch-all excuse of “incompatibility”, or for the occasional instances in non-abusive marriages where one spouse shows a lack of consideration for the other spouse. In all abuse, efforts should be made to bring an abuser to repentance. However, it is important to be aware that most victims of abuse have already made many efforts in this direction before they seek help from a pastor or other professional. Indeed, the victim has usually borne too much for too long and the pattern of abuse has become deeply entrenched.

(this article was first published as a blog on Restored Relationships)